Well let me start here.. I know most of you are going really this again? But this is really an amazing story so if you bare with me I promise this will be worth the read.... I feel compelled to tell this story as I think there are a lot of woman in this world who have lost a baby.. NO not every woman needs to go down this road but something in me has always been asking "why ME?"... Well why not me? I have had a loss of miscarriage before I had Josh. I know the sadness of having one is like and the pain you go through after a loss of a miscarriage. But having Josh in my life and the roller coaster it was in having him. Well this has been something since the day I said goodbye to him something inside of me keeps telling me this baby is more alive then you will ever know. I thought it was I needed closure and yes I think I did.. I think this year was my year of healing and coming to peace about Josh. I can now say his name and I say it with pride. I have no shame in talking about my son. and I don't feel the need to prove to everyone else he was alive and he was my baby. That is now replaced with a since of peace and knowing he's not very far at all!
So why do I have Ethan here... Well I have always wondered where did Ethan come from? Yea I know the birds and the bees.. but nothing of him makes sense. This is where it all started at ON Dec 8th we went in for an ultrasound and we found Josh was no longer. On Dec 11th I went to my Dr and she told us we need to have this come to an end that this baby was already gone. So on Dec 12th I went to the hospital and had Joshua. He was 15wks old but the size of a 7wk. and was confirmed it was a boy. We left the hospital with broken hearts and broken dreams. The family I had always wanting becoming farther and farther away for me to reach. Christmas came and as I watched my Son Caleb open his gifts all I could think is no matter what my gift won't be ever coming true.. I won't ever get to hold Joshua. I won't ever get to see him grow up in front of me to see his smiles to see his eyes. This was my reality and it wouldn't matter how much I prayed my gift would not come true. OR will it?
On January 12th one month after we said goodbye to Joshua I got a call from my Dr. telling me he was perfect and every way and there was no reason for him passing. As we did testing on him to see what his cause of death was. I have regrets that I never asked for him back and never had a proper place to lay him. But I think this is the way it was supposed to be now that I look back. But I'm jumping the gun here. That same day I felt weird.. "off".. I told Den that I feel pregnant. He said that's insane Lori.. We were not trying in the least!! I mean really in my head I didn't want to have another baby. If it meant loosing one more child I couldn't bear the thought of it. But I had this gut feeling I was. Den went and got a test for me. I came out of the bathroom with a very puzzled and shocked face as it read it was positive.
Den went through the directions of the test over and over.. OK he said it must be because of left over tissue or something cause it says on here if you just had a loss or a baby it can give off a false positive. OK so I took this what was going on. I still hadn't had a normal cycle since I had Josh and so this very well could be it. I called my Dr. the very next day she said we need to do a ultrasound ASAP.. can you come in today? I said sure! I went in the ultrasound room scared and nervous and not sure of what to expect. The tech was very quite she did her job she showed me a very tiny tiny dot. I asked is this the left over tissue? She said I dont' know? I asked is this a baby? She said I don't know. Tears came down and I started to shake. I came out and Den hugged me and said it will be ok. I thought this bad dream I was in would never ever wake up! It just seemed to keep going. We did blood work and my HCG levels were like around 500... still this told us really nothing. It could be either or and I didn't know what to think? I knew in my head it wasn't a baby there was NO way it could be? But in my heart it told me it was!
A week later went by and my Dr said again lets do another ultrasound. So I went in thinking the worst but was sooo shocked to see a baby... With a heart beat and measuring in at 7wks 6days... I cried I was in shock! I said that can't be! last week it was a dot.. there was barely anything there! Then I thought 7wks ago?? that cant' be? that is the week we had Josh! But the tech said well it could be off give or take a few days. but it looks to me like you have a baby in there! My numbers when from a 500 to triple the amount.. it was crazy! but I didn't really talk to anyone about this as I was still trying to grasp this in my own head of how the heck is this happening???
I had someone tell me well maybe it was the clomid I took with Josh that was still working over time? but yet on 9/11/07 I had Ethan in my arms. When I looked into this baby's face I knew with out a doubt this baby was one of a kind! I know some teased and said he looked like baby Yoda! and yes maybe a little he did but really there was something about Ethan from day one. He was not like holding Caleb for the 1st time nor was it anything like holding Reece when he was born. Don't get me wrong all three of my son's births were amazing and there way of coming into this world but Ethan I can't tell you the feelings I had when I held him. It wasn't just me that noticed this as well I had many people hold him and say " What is it about Ethan?"... and they would hold him and smile and be at peace. Ethan was a wonderful baby. He slept great, nursed wonderful, and made me calm when I held him in my arms. If you do the math on Ethan's birthday it says he was conceived on 12/8/06... the day Josh's heart stopped.
So how are Josh and Ethan connected? This has been bugging me for the last four years! Somehow I know they are or were but I couldn't have closure cause I don't have answers. Part of me was coming to terms that maybe when it was my time to go home with the lord and cross over that I would know everything there was to know. But then this year as I was really struggling to make sense of all this. I had a friend on Christmas eve send me this letter.
Hi! I had the craziest dream last night and it was about you and your family, thought I would share.
It started off with me going to my Uncle's house (he has passed away, but was one of the most important people to me, like a second dad), as I was walking I ran into your family and "Ethan" (I will explain the air quotes at the end) stretched out his arms to me. I picked him up and the next thing I knew, you and I were sitting around a table somewhere and you were crying. I just sat there with you in silence and snuggled with "Ethan", until at one point you seemed to be at peace with whatever was bothering you. At that moment you dried your tears and smiled, (in my dream world, it was 2 hours) and at that same time "Ethan" looked over at you, smiled, stretched out his arms and I placed him all warm and snugly with you and I walked away to join my Uncle and family.
Okay, here the part that made me really think this morning.... this boy, he was like Ethan but he wasn't. He looked like him, but was more around Reece's age, I guess a combo of those two really. All I could think of was your baby Josh and how I think he knows you are good and at peace and he is good to and knows how much you still love him. Okay, I am crying now and I have to go shovel!!!!
I hope this dream is not upsetting to you, I have been sitting at the computer wondering if this is the right timing to share with you, but how could I not? I think it's all good and Christmas is the perfect time. And my dreams don't stay with me for very long and I didn't want to forget certain things before sharing with you.
Have a wonderful Christmas Lori.
Love ya!
Ann
So when I 1st got this letter I thought It made alll the sense in the world. I thought here it is.. Josh is safe with the lord and he looks like Ethan!! SO that means somehow them two have known each other somehow! somewhere along the line they crossed paths. And part of me still believes this but I also had a question "what if they are the same?"... what if I never really lost Josh in the whole thing of all this? Crazy I know and some may say NO that's not right. I've had a lot of things happen to me this year that I can't really explain why they happen or what it is but my feelings when these things happen without notice I'm in tears and I feel Josh sooo very near.. almost as near as the moment he was still in me. There are times when I look into Ethan's face and think What is it about this boy?? I see animals come out of the blue to come over to Ethan to almost kiss him or tell him something I have his teachers ask me "what is it about Ethan?".. Gosh he's just so special.. I have our dear friend Kathy who passed away thou she loved all my sons she was very drawn to Ethan it was like they had this special thing only them two knew about. After Kathy passed away Ethan who was just two years old walked around her house asking for "Kakki"... It was like them two had some bond. Once in awhile Ethan brings her up out of the blue. I think when he does it's still her talking to him. Even after Kathy had her surgery and her face was half removed Ethan never berried his head in fear of her. Instead one night I brought him over to see his Kathy and he wanted to touch her face the look of concern he had on his face for her. and He looked at her and said Kakki owie... When Kathy was laying in her home on her last few days here on earth I wasn't sure if I should bring him around but I wanted for him and her to have their own little goodbye as well. When I brought Ethan in he wasn't scared he waved to her and said Hi Kakki, then stood by her side for a long moment to then go to the stairs and stand there and watch her. Not in fear but the look he had on his face it was out of love for her like he knew where she was going.. and it was ok! I still remember her looking for Ethan and thou she couldn't talk she would wave to him and then a huge smile would come over both their faces. When we went to her funeral Ethan again was never afraid of her instead he was very comfortable around her. I only took him to see her for a short bit before the wake and before the funeral and each time he would just say bye Kakki. He did ask me outside of the church where did Kakki go? I said she went to heaven he stopped looked straight up in the sky and said OH.. and then kept running and playing! Like I know where that is.. what two year old knows that?
This is just a small amount of things I have seen with Ethan there are times I'm thinking of Josh and he will come over and just hug me and give me butterfly kisses and just snuggle with me.. Just as Ann's dream was. Ethan has this soft soul and just knows when I need him around me. I tell friends that Ethan has saved me. that's a big role for a little man but in all he has. and NOT just me...
So we are on a huge new jounery in our lifes.. Den got a new job offer and we are to move to Mankato. From the moment I was told this news it felt like this was the right thing for us to do! A new fresh beginning for us as a family. I'm ready to leave this house we have been in for the last 17yrs and start anew.. Somethings make me sad knowing that Den and I dated in this house, got married in this house, had all our sons in this house, well that is hard to think of moving on.. but I feel in my heart it's the right thing to do. So we started looking for a new home in Mankato. and in St. Peter. I have always loved the town St. Peter it is so Apple pie kinda town.. it's a small but yet cute town simple but has everything you really need. The problem is I'm not ready to buy a house down there JUST yet. I have a lot of what "if's" playing in my head what if Den's job doesn't pan out? Then what? we are stuck with a house and I'm far away from family and friends? Or if we are happy we want to then buy in a few years but for now I wanted a nice home to rent. Problem is we are in collage town. and the only things I find to rent are houses with Kegs on the door step.. Not something I had in mind for a family of five! I looked on Craigslist to find this beautiful farm house. I was leary as I have heard tons of horrid story's about Craigslist but knew I had to give it a try something about looking at this house I knew or could see us there... I contacted them and went and saw the house. The moment I got there I had chills up my spine. I knew I wanted to live here. I wanted my boys to run here and play. All my worries were put to rest and it was like Josh was near me saying yup this is it! I went home that night and talked to (Sandy... we will just call her this) but told her we wanted the house she told me to fill out the papers and so we did.. We got accepted!! More tears of joy and the feeling of all is ok was filled with in me. The more I talk to Sandy the more I have comfort and it seems she has answers for me that are waiting for me. Like somehow she is a missing puzzle piece. I've never met her face to face but I feel very close to her as if she's a sister of mine. Her Mom had been struggling with cancer and has shortly passed away. We come to talk about life after here and I start to tell her about Ethan's and Josh's story. I got this email from her the other night and it goes like this....
So you conceived Ethan a month after Josh went back to the other side... I think you are right about thinking they could be one and the same... My Dad had a brother that died shortly after birth - who was born before my Dad and then when my Grandma had my Dad she named him the same name as the baby that died..Anthony. It is an Italian custom to do that because they do believe the soul comes back in the next child born. Laura said that souls choose who they want to be born too and when they die in infancy it's because the timing wasn't right but that they will come back. That is her explanation for the time she was pregnant before and lost both of the twins and now she is having twins again so they are back...
I am glad that you can talk to me about this. I have been thinking about writing a book about my thoughts and about recycled souls and why we can't possibly only have 1 chance to get to Heaven/prove ourselves to God. It helps to explain untimely deaths or why God would allow babies to be born deformed or with mental challenges or any of it. I think that in some of our lives we are the main character and then in others we are the supporting actor helping someone else. So a child born deformed would be the supporting actor helping the parents to be better persons,etc. This was what I was actually asking you about blogging..about my ideas. as I was told I should find a forum and get them out there and maybe bring comfort to ones who might want to believe this way of thinking too.
So after reading this again a huge rush of Josh came over me and it was like it was going ding ding ding!!! YOU got it!!! I don't know but what I do believe today is that Josh and Ethan are the same.. I think it makes sense that when I read Ann's dream and she said it was like "Ethan" but it wasn't.. I think it's why animals and people are drawn to Ethan I think it's why in alll the reasons I can not explain but know in my heart of hearts. Josh's timing wasn't right but he made it right. I think when I look into Ethan's eyes and I think I see more then I will ever know in those eyes is cause I'm really looking into Joshua's soul. I know Joshua is still with the Lord but I do believe he is apart of Ethan and I've been given a second chance at Joshua through Ethan. I know some may think this is nuts and it's ok. I would too but unless you can tell me how Ethan got here why I had to go through all this to get this answer? IF you can tell me different then so be it but for whatever reasons they are I know the truth! I've prayed for answers since the day I lost Joshua and now I feel God is showing me in his love and grace what I needed to know all in his good and loving time!
Regardless of how Ethan got here or how Josh left us... I'm so very blessed that have come into my life. all my son's have been in my life. I know this year was a year of healing and coming to peace with it all.. and for that I'm forever grateful of all the wonderful things the Lord has blessed me with!
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